en françaisCatching Up
Sitting with a girlfriend having coffee is a wonderful way to touch into the reality of life. We come together like chattering birds, warm hugs and laughter spread out to touch those that watch the happy reunion. Our camouflage is the pretense of ‘catching up’ and of course our need is much deeper. As we happily devour dessert the conversation twist and turns following the experiences that make us us. Our tones grow deeper and our hearts come to the surface as we begin to speak of our inner conflicts. Inevitably we come to the place most people find difficult to navagate, yes we turn to the question of “good sex” and what does that term really mean. She said she was having “good sex” with her partner but that it was not really satisfying a deeper need within her, a need that she could not name and yet felt so strongly. She was beginning to think that there was something wrong with her. As she shared her cunundrum, I felt a shiver run from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, perhaps I had found another woman willing to risk it all to follow her intuitive nature. She said “there has to be more to lovemaking than just “good sex”. I smiled and remembered a time when I had said the very same thing. I believe many women are struggling with this same realisation but perhaps have not had the opportunity to talk about it.
How often have you felt as if there was something not fully connecting between you and your partner, not only during lovemaking but in every day living? In my past relationships I have experienced this feeling often but put it aside as my own stuff, telling myself that it must be me or life circumstance or the weather or I am being to sensitive or demanding and a hundred other crazy reasons. Of course sometimes there is some truth in these ideas and sometimes there is not. I decided to find ways to inquire into this unseen but subtle feeling to see if this niggling inner voice had any validity. This soon showed to be no easy task and I found myself full of doubt and a little afraid to bring these questions and realisations to my partner. Fortunately after many stumbling attempts at honest communication and some deep breath work I began to understand my body and my feelings more directly. I could express the sensations I felt and deepen my ability to communicate what I was sensing arising within myself and between my partner and myself. At times this would open a wonderful exploration into our relating and at others it would spark defensiveness and projection.
I now understand that those little niggling sensations that pop up during the course of my day are often the first murmurings of something much deeper. An opportunity to move more fully into intimacy with myself first and then with my partner or friends. Sometimes it feels really difficult to find the courage to express what I am feeling, I stumble to find the words that will honour the subtle movement of my awarness. It often doesn’t make much sense at first but as I persist, and with the patience of my partner the untangling begins and I find that I am lead by my bodies inner wisdom to the place that has birthed the realisation of what is coming in between my partner and myself. Learning to utilise this skill has opened the doors to intimacey in such a profound way, my relationship has become a true sanctuary, a place where my womanhood is fully honoured and nutured.
It starts with me, if I don’t have the courage to speak even the seeminly unrational, insignificant ideas then I fail myself and become small and doubtful. I have to be willing to be wrong and keep exposing all the vulnerable parts of myself, otherwise there is no depth to my life and love. At no time is my partner the enemy, we are explorers discovering the magic of our own life’s compositions, we know when we hit a wrong note and the resonance of this exposes the deeper beliefs that limit our aliveness. My husband once said “oh I see it really is all about the women” I beleive women hold a key to love and our bodies are a container for this key. If we learn to open our bodies and hearts it is possible to go beyond “good sex” and play in the valley of total ecstacy, honesty and delight. I wonder how many women are willing to journey inward to find the power of their inate wisdom and then bring that to the men in their lives, risking it all, speaking it all, making mistakes, braving the waters of rejection and judgement, facing the past and finding their own authority? Sitting with my friend I know I have found one other and I believe we are many, so I look forward to meeting you all sometime, someplace, and dancing the dance of life and love.